"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
