My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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