Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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