i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
