dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
