just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
