i would punch a child for taco bell
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
