have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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