I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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