Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
