listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
