I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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