There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
