soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
