i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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