neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
