I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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