Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
