I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
