You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
