why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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