Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
