Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
