dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
