if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
