We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
