Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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