my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
