my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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