He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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