I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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