Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
