Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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