So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
