There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
