last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
