It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
