some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
