I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
