I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
