I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
