he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Everclear isn't food dammit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
