You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
