I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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