I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
