sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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