And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
