I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
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with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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