i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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