I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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