i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
