don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
