If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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