i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
