Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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