I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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