just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Terrible idea I love it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
