the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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