I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
