you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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