i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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