Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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